we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
