Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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