My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
