I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
