She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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