great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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