Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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