There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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