just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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