btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
