The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
