It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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