the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
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