I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
