3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
