At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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