Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
