dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
