He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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