This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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