My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
