Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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