Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
