They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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