Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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