I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
