I just cut my nipple shaving
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm having to shit out rocks
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
