That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
