she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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