They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
