Where is the hickey?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
