I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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