me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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