Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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