apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Still dying that you shit outside
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
