Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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