hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
