Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
