I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
