It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
