I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
