Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
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