I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
