I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
