I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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