just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
