i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
