I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
