I got chris browned last night
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
wow bdsm is so cute
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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