Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
