I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
